The Shy Submissive

Many profess to know what they want, they know they are into this and that. I am this with a bit of that looking for all and wanting it now.

I collect, I collect people. During my collecting process or what I call ‘Fly Fishing’ I come across many that are willing to say they are submissive eager for attention needing wanting but not understanding what it is that they are playing with.

Then there are the shy ones, the ones scared to admit, scared to act. It was one of these oh so shy ones, the ones scared to meet that lifted me up into a almighty adrenalin rush. After a so simple flogging we hugged and he left. A few days later we contacted me and he asked me about his dream. He was in a very dark place and then there was a pure light of angels he asked me what it meant. He dreamed again a similar dream and again he asked me what he meant. For him it was his first time he had ever been flogged. He didn’t really know what it was that he wanted but he knew he wanted it.

Outsiders think we are just into pain and into power play pure and simple. Some insiders forget and think it is only that as well. In scientific terms we know what it is. We will say that it is the epinephrine, endorphins and the enkephalins. Its the release, a gift to give and a gift to receive. A moment shared

Beyond Capitalism

What will the future be like in 2029?

What will society become like?

What will be valued and what will disappear?

Please read

How to become a Lecturer at University?

I am 30 and a Educator.

I am limited by my current work place to truly expressing myself. I want to grow more and to build. So I have begun to take step towards a new future. First I went to the Curtin University future students office. I spoke and they sent me to another section and then I was told to call another. And they said to contact another. I have a BA of Art and  Dip Edu so the question was how do make the next grade. Do I enter the world of Art Honors? It sounded like something I had wanted in the past, but now I think it would be too limiting.

They sent me to another who suggested Health Science and Physiology.

I said I have too many choices. I could go into so many areas.  And I listed them.

1. Body Disphoria
2. Genderfuck / Genderqueer and Queer
3. Cancer
4. Bi-polar
5. Educator
6. BDSM

How to link them all up?

How to make a research project out of this.

Maybe all I can do is talk about my experiences.

Maybe I could talk about the body and health and identity.

Maybe I could talk about pain; the emotional and the physical.

The body the mental the physiological but how to swing in the gender and the queer?

What would I research what activism could I talk about.

These are the questions I am asking myself.

This could all take 8yrs part-time.

My direction needs be a strong one with purpose.

25th of April

Suggested Areas.

1. The psychology  of torture
2. Discipline
3. Dept-gender
4. Queer
5. Public health
6. Performance
7. Art
8. Missing body parts
9. Sadomasochism
10. 
    

Houseboy or Housegrrl- rent $40 a week from the House of Bella

When I saw an advertisement of a submissive boy I thought yes I could deal with that. But if you read my previous blog about the submissive 25yr old male looking for a dominate woman. Well that was a waste of my oh so valuable time.

It did however give me an idea, that and the fact my old housemate although he didn’t pay rent was rather domestic and I had gotten used to such a lavish lifestyle. So I thought yes what I need is a housegrrl or a houseboy or somewhere in between. I had heard of a dear friends adventures as a housegrrl fag queer on this list.

At first I placed the flowing advertisement on the Perth Kink network and Fetlife.

Seeking Submissives yes more than one pref under 30 and guys and grrls

I am at the Queer end of Queer aka James

there is a position open for a houseboy or a housegrrl

I am in need of people who know how to worship and not necessarily sexual contact

I am not one for secret affairs but I do know how to keep peoples secrets

I am polyamorous

queer, gay, straight, bi or couples

I do like things pretty and well kept

Now this caused a mermer. You see on fetlife I am Genderfuckbel it truly confuses the non-queers, they are unsure how to deal with a gender queer individual. I had a few kink interested individuals mainly just guys mostly just cross dressers and one Genderqueer and a possible Maid/Maiden.

It became apparent that I didn’t really think I could handle the grittiness of a male who is all focused about their cock and little else.   Which left me the genderqueer Individual and the Fair Maid to Heel. With the genderqueer person we connected and managed to hold a conversation ranging from Queer and Environmental activism and of course gender fluidity, the lasted two hours. Not bad for a first meeting and greeting. But really not suitable for the domestic side of things.

At this point. I had given up on the idea of finding anyone I could tie up and get domestic for me, perhaps in  fetish high heels. So I had this brilliant idea! To advertise for a flat mate, who would only pay $40 a week and trade on a series of domestic duties around the house. And this is the advert I placed.

Houseboy or Housegrrl Wanted- 10 min from Curtin uni

Price: $40.00

The house contains

1. Two queer women artists
2. One cat
3. A St Andrews Cross or a Bondage cross in the lounge room
4. A large book collection
   
5. One Large shed
6. And a Rather Large Garden

Rent is $40.00 plus one 3rd share of elect, water, gas, phone and internet

Duties of the Houseboy or Housegrrl

1. Maintain gardens
2. General housekeeping, bathroom, kitchen, dinning room, lounge and laundry.
   
3. The sorting of the Bookcase
   

It is a very creative house.
It has it’s Kinks.

Then the hopes of finding what I am looking for started looking up. I had a 38yr old male ‘DOM’ as he wrote it. Who had just left his ‘boring’ wife and a had a large mortgage to pay. All I could think did I really want to let that many issues into my house? And how funny it could be bossing around a ‘DOM’ to do my domestic duties. Then I had a young uni student approach me who was in need to escape his fathers house. I think he would be too coddled to take up such a role as a houseboy.  I had another young grrl who I don’t think really understood the advert but I will interview her anyway. There was another lad from one of the northern towns, being open to all possibilities i said yes come take a look and we will interview each other. The highlight was being two German backers contacting me and all I could think how wonderful it would be to have two housegrrls on hand. I meet them tonight. But then the oh so very shy Maid to Heel contacted me after facing the delema of a new bow and a small child and you get the point. I thought yes open to new possibilities lets meet.

All in all I am curious to find what my House of Bella will be like in the next month or so.

NIGHTMARES and the HORRIFIC

Everyone has dreams.

They talk about past lives connecting our soul through time.

From the ages of 14 to 16 I had dreams, the kind that take you places you don’t want to go, they call them nightmares. Imagine a nightmare you dream at night and it visits you in the day. It recures and recures and you imagination builds a story. The story could be as likely true as untrue.I remember the trauma, the horrific.

I was young only just a woman yet still a child. I was taken, stolen from all things known and trusted. There was no reason why, the evil can be evil simply because they can. I know I was not the first to be taken and I was not the last. My body became a vessel of abuse and torture. I do not know why I fought to live so much it would have been so much easier to give in to death. My fight to live fascinated the leader of the group of men, it captured his interest only for further torment. I became his favorite doll, I was not human to him. He was not satisfied by the physical destruction alone. I remember little of before the time I became pregnant,when I realised that my belly was growing something deeper awoke in me. It was hope.

The birth of a child was like sunshine at nighttime.

He let me hold my hope my sunshine long enough to start to believe that there could be a future. That was my fateful mistake. He took my child from me to hurt me. He brought me to the two posts and I watched as the men strung up my small child between the posts. The dogs where barking straining on there leashes. A man began to whip my child as I was made to kneel and watch. My child was turned into bloody flesh and the dogs where released.

When the dreams stopped I knew I or she had died.

A song for N.Genderfuck May 18th

I am woman

I  am man.

I am girl

I am boy.

I am all

I am none.

and yet I am something else altogether

I am Queer

I am Gay.

I am a Bear

Woof

I am a Fag.

A twink

Leather daddy.

A dyke

A carpet muncher

And if it suits me, I am even a Lesbian.

I am bi

but I am shy

I am camp

I am kink

I am fetish

I am man

I am woman

I am girl

I am boy

I am all

but I am none

and I will work out the rest of the song later

Stubborn is a Virtue

$70 Red leather shoes

$150 Little black dress

$500 Black Pearl earrings

$70 Black feathered jacket

1 hour of tears

1 friend to cry with

another to hold my hand.

I am no stranger to the horrific and it will come and come again. I am here because I am stubborn, I wouldn’t give in. So much so I forgot to let go. The events are unimportant drama they could happen to anyone, it’s just a lot has happened to me. I know it won’t end here and otheres have walked this path as will others will walk mine. Sometimes there is so much that your very soul becomes tired and you have to let go before it breaks you.

24yo submissive guy for dominant woman

When I saw the advertisement I thought this interests me. He said he has a Girlfriend – and I thought less likely to cling and not bad if it is a open relationship.

No the Girlfriend didn’t know about his secret, and he was happy with that.

I said lets meet and find out if we click at all, maybe friends at least.

So I arranged to meet him.

and it happened again.

Two days before the suggested time and date, I get the email saying…

“i know we would have lots of fun but i cant do it because of my gf.”

Now if that is the case why put the add out in the first place.

hump wasted some of my valuable time.

To the one that shattered – erotica

warning

What once was whole is now shattered into shards of memories. You have broken trust and I pay you with the gentle slow twist of bitter sweet revenge. You don’t know its happening, but that is the sweetness. The bitterness is when it is all over.

You see me sitting quietly, out of character quietness. You skirt and squirm and so you should. If you knew half of what i was thinking… you would run with the flight of a Cheetah.

As I sit quite letting others talk, I think of you crawling beneath feet. It starts as puppy-ish play all sweetness and curiosity but then there is fear in you eyes the fear of wanting what is coming. Something dark within you that you dare not reveal. The fear enters when you see the the look in my eyes that this is no longer play. You want to run but then… It is the then that you fear, the desire for what lies deep within. You beg at my feet before all your friends not the nice all understanding ones, no before the back stabbing vipers. I move you body beneath my feet with a quick shove of my stiletto heels. The heel is long a pointy the boots black leather shined with chrome studs and buckles. My left heel sinks into the flesh of your back my right your upper thigh. You are scared because this is pleasure for you. You are unsure but I rise from my seat holding the wall almost applying full pressure, the right heel in your inner upper thigh draws blood but still you lie before me. I move to apply pressure to you throat with the tip of my left boot as my right heel rests in the cheeks of your arse. Your eyes are starting to glaze and flutter with pleasure but I want to give you pain.

I flip you over and rest my heel and the point of my boot across your throat and I can smell the fear. And so you should be in fear i don’t care that you are fully dressed, in fact I prefer it. I ease of your throat only to gain a better position of heel wedged in your stomach, but you know that is only a taste. You are curled in pain and I remove my heel to let you breath I want you alive to feel my anger. And still you lie before me unwilling to give in. I move my right heel across your body and gently with the tip of my boot caress your groin, it is then that you feel the pressure of my heel in your groin I

Heels and Straps

start gentle then apply more and more weight waiting for you to give in. I have to hold onto the wall to maintain my balance. Still you do not give in. It takes to drawing of blood to make you scream out to stop. And I do.

You lie crying like a baby before the vipers witnesses humiliated that they saw you beg for the pain. Your masculinity reduces to a shattered shell.

The Culture of the Leathermen

Once there was the old guard system amongst men who where tops and men that where bottoms and once you where one you couldn’t be the other. What is the old guard The Culture of the Leathermen Leathermen, bears, big hairy men who dig men and celebrate masculinity. I am in love with them I confess. The thing about bear culture is that it is a celebration of body it is not about youth as the twinks aspire, it is hyper-masculinity. So if you have a hairy body manicure it and celebrate it, if you are going bald accept it and go with it and if your body is a mass of muscles and flesh hold on to it. We are talking Tom of Finland cock suckers and boot lickers, armpit sniffing pigs, anal fisting, cock piercing tight leather pants, chest ripping leathers, chest harnesses and for the rest you will have to find out yourself. Leathermen is a celebration of all things male and i am not talking about genderbinaries here. I wonder what the celebration of all things female would be like? What is the old guard leathermen subculture? Well for that we can go quote its history from wikkipedia.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leather_subculture Popular and Social Origins

[Gay male leather culture has existed since the late 1940s, when it likely grew out of post-WWII biker culture. Early gay leather bars were subcultural versions of the motorcycle club. Pioneering gay motorcycle clubs included the Satyrs, established in Los Angeles in 1954; Oedipus, also established in Los Angeles in 1958, and the New York Motorbike Club. Early San Francisco clubs included the Warlocks and the California Motor Club. These clubs, like the motorcycle culture in general, reflected a disaffection with the mainstream culture of post-World War II America, a disaffection whose notoriety---and therefore appeal---expanded after the sensationalized news coverage of the Hollister "riot" of 1947. The 1953 film The Wild One starring Marlon Brando wearing jeans, a T-shirt, a leather jacket, and muir cap, played on pop-cultural fascination with the Hollister "riot" and promoted an image of masculine independence that resonated with some gay men in a culture which stereotyped gay men as effeminate. To that end, gay motorcycle culture also reflected some men's disaffection with the coexistent gay cultures more organized around passing, high culture, popular culture (especially musical theater), and/or camp. Perhaps as a result, the leather community that emerged from the motorcycle clubs also became the practical and symbolic location for gay men's open exploration of kink and S&M.]

Then the dykes joined in, then came leather pride and then things go to the swingers and later the heterosexuals who might have gotten confused about conformist gender roles and top and bottom but anyway. There has always been the colour of depth in humanity. And yes the religious sects and various institutions army navy and son on gave us the fodder to play with. Then came the pro dom/dommes who became the wealth of all knowledge to many and soulless creatures to others, business people making money some for love and others as a expansion to their brothel. Few still pass knowledge through the old guard system (returned servicemen who dug men and had a lot of army gear) Few pass knowledge from one friend to another usually with concern of there reputation in the land of kink. Fetish. sensation and power play is why BDSM exists and power is something we all hold even if we give it away. Dis inhibited The flavor of the word implies many good things that perhaps you have at some desired. It also implies chaos and intent. If you ever find yourself lost and dis inhibited… you might find yourself in places of fear, passion, abject, pain, love, hate and more. I know I have.